COOK A TURKEY VERY, VERY FAST

Yep there we were with two frozen turkey breasts (7 lbs and 4 lbs), so now what? Well my idea is small one goes into the slow cooker with butter and seasonings after I thaw and pull out the plastic bag inside and larger one goes in oven. I let you know how this works out.

From http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/how-to-defrost-and-cook-turkey-fast-14757261

Welcome to Eat Like A Man's 2012 Holiday Survival Guide, wherein we tackle some of the season's thorniest issues in food and drink to help you make it to January in one piece.

In an ideal world, you would begin defrosting your turkey three days before you plan to cook it, and spend the day-of patiently basting the bird in a low oven until it reaches tender perfection. But sometimes time just kind of gets away from you. Sometimes it's 2 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day when somebody volunteers to check on the turkey and you're all, "Yeah, when should I fire that guy up, anyway?" Sometimes you have only one job to do, and still you manage to mess it up. And sometimes this occurs in highly public moments, like when you've got 12 people on their way over for a holiday dinner and the main event is still sitting in its plastic wrapper in the fridge. 

Whether you need to defrost a frozen bird fast, or want to roast a fresh turkey in one hour instead of four (or — let's face it — both), Matt Jennings of Farmstead & La Laiterie in Providence, Rhode Island, is here to help. What follows is his advice for thawing and cooking a Thanksgiving turkey with all haste.

How to Speed-Thaw a Turkey 

1. If you're reading this and your turkey is still in the freezer, this applies to you.

2. Immediately heat your oven to its highest setting. Blast the frozen turkey for 10 to 15 minutes in the oven to jumpstart the thawing process.

3. Submerge the turkey in a large pot or other vessel filled with cool (40 degree) water, changing the water every 30 minutes or continuously running a slow stream of water from the tap. It will take 20-30 minutes per pound for the turkey to defrost this way. Tempting as it may be to run warmer water to speed the process along, you'd effectively be creating a water park for bacteria, so... try that at your own risk. 

4. Once thawed, either proceed with cooking the bird immediately or hold it in the refrigerator until ready to use. 

How to Turbo-Cook a Turkey

1. Spatchcock it: Cut out the turkey's backbone and push the bird flat. Dry it off and liberally salt and pepper the whole thing, then rub softened butter and chopped herbs under the skin of the breasts. Place the sheet of meat breast-side-down in a roasting pan or large sheet pan (keeping it breast-down will mean the juices run into the breast and help keep it moist, though the skin will not be as crisp). Cover the pan with aluminum foil to retain moisture.

2. Place the turkey in a 400 degree oven, basting it every 15 minutes with a mixture of butter and stock to prevent it from drying out. 

3. When the breast meat reaches 165 degrees — this should only take an hour for a 14 to 16-lb bird — take the turkey out of the oven and let it rest for 15 minutes. 

4. Carve the turkey according to this diagram. http://www.esquire.com/features/carve-a-turkey-0509 No one will ever know that you almost totally ruined everyone's Thanksgiving.